Friday, January 22, 2010

Goodnight, Ladies and (.........)?

Remember MacGuyver? You know the perfectly mulleted, probably gay, yet unfailingly handy, superhero/tv character from the 80's. Do you think he would have ever asked for a decaf latte, before he went out to save the world? Maybe he couldn't find a paper clip and rubberband in his fanny pack because they were covered by all his eyebrow pencils and make-up. Hell no! MacGuyver would have been 3 episodes long if he held the same ideals as some young men today. Think about it, you got MacGuyver staring at a beautiful early nineties/late eighties blonde bombshell................ and an actual bomb. Suddenly he remembers that it is the eighties and ask her for a hairpin and a scrunchy. Then he reaches into his little MacGuyver tool kit and bam nothin' but eye shadow, moist towelettes, and thank you notes(prewritten of course) signed Love Mackey(that's what he calls himself in fantasy land). I mean, I know its elapsed time so that 10 secs is really more like 25 mins, but I still think MacGuyver and his lady are bomb bits if his character wouldn't have been written as a gentlemanly hero. I mean could you imagine Clint Eastwood in a western, miles of open plains, its smoky and dusty the tumbleweed rolls by....he hitches his horse to the hitchin' post walks up to the bartender and sweetly and politely ask for a scotch and diet cola because he is "counting calories." Of course not, and he "don't take no shit off no bartender either." Maybe John Wayne could play a war general and when the enemies come over the hill (conveniently built in a studio).... he could tell his troops to retreat because "its kinda chilly outside, and he doesn't feel good."

NOT IN MY AMERICA GOT DAMNIT!!!!!!

I know most people are probably wondering where I am going with this, but I said all that to support my conclusion that its not cool to be a gentleman anymore. Mostly, its not even accepted as normal anymore either. I don't mean walking around foppishly draping a handkerchief about and bowing at the site of any lady over 14. Sorry, I think we left those days a few centuries ago. We're not even talking about the fantasy land gentleman who puts his jacket on puddles and takes your dog to the groomer's. No, I mean everday, run of the mill gentlemanly actions. What ever happened to men who didn't take shit from one another, not because they were gentlemen, but because they were men. It seems as though an irrational upheaval of misplaced ideals has come about in the 21st century that I just don't particularly like. I mean this is a subject I can talk on for days so I think this post may be in multiple parts. Where does the problem lie? Are men more likely to result to extremes because of today's women? I mean if you met a lady(a real one not one on eHarmony), from group A in which women prefer men with features similar to their own (i.e. Ryan Seacrest, Adam Lambert). As a man, with needs, would you A) Stand on your principals and be yourself B) Pretend to be something you're not C) Dive headfirst into some straight bullshit? Maybe i'm being scatterbrained but I think my point should come out somewhere in here. What about group B ladies who are attracted to men who look and act like men. If you are not exactly the brawniest or toughest dude, do you think you would get a gym membership? What about a gun, or a motorcycle? Who knows... I do know that there are lots of positions to play a few examples are; lonely gentleman, wingman, and outcast. Of these three you have to know who you are, you can't be two of them and you can only change if you really want to. In retrospect, maybe its not cool to be a lonely gentleman maybe you can just be the wingman all the time, but what if there are no extra wings to be wung? (LMAO sorry I had to) Seriously though I think I will be back soon to go a little deeper on what I mean, by giving a definition of a gentleman, and why it is important to represent yourself as such.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Holy Shit!

Ladies and gentlemen, my dearest apologies to you all. I was recently struck with the most intriguing and shocking revelation. I have been straight M.I.A. for over half a year. But, the most striking part is that I had so many opportunities is 2009 to write about whatever I wanted. However, I just simply chose not to. Shame on me for not talking about Tiger Woods' cat house antics, Barack Obama's first year in office, Jaycee friggin' Duggard!!!! Anything I could have written about would have been fine. Oh no! I would rather just think of writing about these things and leave everyone disappointed. But my deepest shame is perhaps that I did not write about the death or honor the memory of the man, the myth, the legend.... Billy Mays. Oh, and Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson R.I.P. King of Pop, and Walter Cronkite/Ed McMahon(they were in there somewhere). ::::Drum roll and cymbal crash:::::



Yes, I am a slacker. I think we all get the point by now. So much that it makes me angry and "you wouldn't like me when i'm angry." (Sorry it was right there) Anyways what makes me completely change my disposition is the fact that I know a few ultimate truths that will revive my career as a hot-shot superstar journalist/blogger who nobody gives a shit about or follows.... :*(



#1 Sarah Palin is still alive and thats always got to be good for a few laughs



#2 If you host a late night show on network television you are probably not faithful to your significant other....(i.e. Letterman, and Kimmel) {side note: Maybe we should give Tiger Woods a late night show about sex and golf two things that haven't been together since EVER.}



{{side side note: Who is having affairs with Jimmy Kimmel??? That's just EwwggH!}}



#3 Barack Obama is going to be the first(and only) black president for at least 2.67 more years so there has to be a punchline in there somewhere. (One that is not about his "NEGRO Dialect")



#4 Dr. Drew exists to show me sides of down and out celebrities I have never seen. Like the fact that Heidi Fleiss has had 4 count them, 4 abortions. (Crickets chirping) Yeah she's as sorry as I am for writing it.



#5 Saturday Night Live isn't funny so thats always a joke. I have to live as long as Lorne Michaels has not figured out that I write jokes 10 times better than any of the hacks on that show.



And finally just the fact that we live in the good 'ole U.S. of A. (United States of America to all our yellow bird readers) There will always be a punchline in the fact that we can only see anything that happens in the world through American eyes. Which as I remember correctly are focused on freedom, the pursuit of happiness, and powerball in 50 states and all the territories.